


Spin

by benneybean



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Cigarette Smoking, Depression, Dissociation, Drinking, M/M, Mild Language, Multi, Not A Game AU, POV Benrey, Pining, Yearning, bi Gordon Freeman, mentions of marijuana, oh god the yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25044892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benneybean/pseuds/benneybean
Summary: Benrey nods, watching it happen in the reflection on Gordon's sunglasses. He looks at his own dark hair, rough cut bangs hanging over his forehead and the back spilling down to his shoulders; his own dark eyes and pale skin. Gordon reaches over with his left hand and brushes some sand off of his shoulder. "Cringe," he says.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby & Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Gordon Freeman/OFC
Comments: 77
Kudos: 352





	1. Give my shadow to you

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be cute and fluffy and about a trip to the beach. Things have spiraled out of control. Thank you to my friends for humoring me.

_1\. Give my shadow to you_

Benrey looks around the dark room. If he felt like it he would shiver at the cold. Instead, he sings to light his way. Orange like dawn, his friends are gone. _Not friends_ , he thinks, _fucking cringe bro. Tommy's cool._ At this point, with his only company the pigeons and the corpses and the smoking rubble, he would even settle for Gordon. His echoing song fades out and he returns to darkness.

***

He sits up gasping in the heat of the room. Floating all above him is a red glow. He was singing in his sleep. More and more often since he left Black Mesa he wakes gasping out of rubble. Those mornings he rattles around like the scarred and scattered rocks, some still smoking in the dawn, abandoned to waste into the desert. Even with the memory of his nightmare dancing at the corners of his vision, as he strips off his sweat-soaked T-shirt and walks toward the door; even after he showers, he can’t stop the smell of smoke from taking him back to the Resonance Cascade and the days and nights that followed. As he passes by, he ruffs Sunkist's fur. Tommy must be up.

What makes him a villain? What makes him monstrous? Hearing the pure disdain in Gordon's voice… he can picture what it would have looked like if he'd had the sweet voice as well. Not sweet, that's for sure. It wasn't like he was really a villain anyway; all of that distant past buried like the ET game for Atari. At best he was a secondary antagonist. Benrey gets dressed and walks out to see Tommy on the couch, eating cereal. He looks away from the tv and smiles brightly. "Good morning, Mr. Benrey. Didja sleep okay?"

He doesn't smile back, but he says, "yeah dude, thanks for letting me crash." Even now, months later, they still don't get him; don't get what went down and why it had to. They just can't see that every circle is really a spiral.

"It's fi- it's-it's uh, no problem Mr. Benrey!" Tommy replies, turning back to the tv and his breakfast. He doesn't have to eat, so he doesn't. Instead he stares blankly into the cupboard. "Say," Tommy says suddenly, "have you heard from Mr. Freeman? He hasn't asked me if you burned down the house in a couple days."

"Wha?" Benrey says into the boxes of cereal. "He asked you that?" Tommy nods behind him. "Yikes."

"I think he was worried about you," Tommy offers. Benrey scoffs. Tommy says, "I think he meant to ask how you were."

There is no 'meant to'. There only is, or isn't. Did, or didn't.

Gordon isn't home, but his couch is comfortable and he has better drinks so Benrey lounges for the afternoon and waits.

The sun has set when Gordon comes in, and it should feel like something but he couldn't sing if he wanted to. The taller man sighs heavily but otherwise ignores his presence. Benrey listens as he moves to his bedroom and changes, as he quietly cleans the dishes (Benrey's mess, he’s always cleaning up after others). Then he stands awkwardly in front of the couch that Benrey is stretched across. He moves his legs, but immediately stretches them back out and rests his feet in Feetman's lap. He wants to laugh about it, but the room doesn't feel like laughter so he doesn't.

"I'd ask how you got in," Gordon says to break the silence, "but I know you won't answer.”

"Tommy was worried," Benrey says. Gordon is quiet. There is something heavy in the air. It sits heavy on his shoulders. "Where you been, bro?"

Gordon glances away, looks at nothing. His face in profile; roundness and youth carved out and sharpened by the chiaroscuro. Pale blue wall. Minutes pass. "I was on a date," he says.

"Oh."

"Yeah. She's uh… really cool."

"Oh." Benrey boots up the playstation and they play a game but when he teases Freeman there’s no rebuttal and when Freeman yells at him he doesn’t grin. It's as quiet as his dreams of Black Mesa.

He wakes up to the sound of small feet on the wood floor. "Benney!" Joshua shouts. "Pretty lights." He's still on the couch, a blanket slung over him and a pillow under his head. He was singing in his sleep again, pale pink light drifting overhead and slipping away like smoke.

"Hey little dude," he says. His eyes are still closed, arm resting across his forehead to block the light. Josh jumps up into his lap and starts regaling him with tales of his month in Montana with his mom. He hmms and huhs when he should, but behind his eyes all he can see is pale pink. He needs to think.

***

Tommy's house is near enough to have a nice view of a lake, but his eyes stay locked on the horizon for a long time. Something, though he can't figure out what, has been chafing him. He can't shake the feeling and it rests under his skin like an itch. So he sits and stands and paces for hours. Being alone makes him shiver sometimes too, but when there’s something he doesn’t understand he searches for height and wind and solitude. All day his head has been buzzing, a jagged and lilting song in his throat that he's been refusing to sing. On days like this, more and more often, he seeks out solitude and Tommy seems to understand.

Gordon would bother him, he knows; would find him and ask endless questions and then wonder why Benrey would snap. This is a thing he knows, even though every time he's slept at Gordon's he's been left more or less alone. But things are changing; the air around him shivers and glistens; the soaring sky tightening down. Fear, spider-like and cocooning him in a gossamer web. For perhaps the first time, he knows fear.

***

"Now, now Tommy. You can't only have soda for lunch," Dr. Coomer says. Tommy pouts, but relents and orders a burger too. Benrey is sitting already, shoving fries into his mouth, cheek resting heavily on his hand. Bubby is dissecting his burger, dismantling it piece by piece.

The door opens and Benrey glances up before straightening his spine. "Sorry we're late," Gordon says, setting Josh down. He's getting tall, losing his baby fat and becoming lanky. Already seven. Joshua runs to the table and hugs the science team before climbing up into Benrey's lap.

"Hey little dude," he says. Josh grins and takes a tiny handful of fries. "Bro~"

"Are you gonna come play later Benney?" Josh asks. He grins and nods, then glances up to see Gordon avoiding his gaze and staring instead at the ugly tiled floor.

"Long as your fail dad doesn't mind," he says. Gordon is at the counter ordering, glances back when Josh laughs.

"Hello, Gordon!" Coomer says brightly. He nods in response and sets the tray down, beckoning Josh out of Benrey's lap and over to sit and eat. "We were thinking of going to the beach later," Coomer continues, "you should join us Gordon." Neither Benrey nor Gordon acknowledge the man; Benrey gazes at pale eyes and the stress wrinkle between eyebrows, the five o'clock shadow and unruly dark hair - streaks of grey the only thing to show his age, the mechanical hand at the end of his right arm. "A beach is a landform alongside a body of water which consists of loose particles. The particles composing a beach are typically made from-"

"Yeah, we'd love to," Gordon says, interrupting Coomer. Benrey finally looks away, finishing his cold fries in silence.

He leaves with Gordon, riding silently in the backseat as Joshua tells him all about the beach. Benrey doesn't like the water much, but the idea of laying in the sun appeals to him. At the house, he follows Gordon into his bedroom and stands awkwardly by the door. "I uh," he says. Pale eyes on him. "I don't have shorts," he says. Gordon rolls his eyes and sighs heavily.

"Of course you don't." He stays still as Gordon fishes around in his dresser and tosses a pair of loose black shorts over his shoulder. Benrey drops his jacket, reaches for his fly as Gordon turns and his eyes follow his hands. His black jeans drop and he steps out of them. Eyes drift up and catch like an anchor. He pulls the shorts on as Gordon steps toward him. The air in the room is stifling hot and Benrey can hardly breathe. Gordon pulls his shirt over his head and Benrey swallows, shivers when he sees Gordon track the movement in his throat. He looks him up and down, standing in just his sweats, the muscles still showing through the weight, dark hair on his chest and rounded stomach. He reaches up and lets his hair down, pulling it loose of the elastic, and the unruly curls spill down his golden shoulders. He takes a step closer, now just inches apart. Benrey pulls off his shirt as well and the air feels electric. He shivers. Gordon looks him up and down and opens his mouth. Benrey's eyes are on his lips, but as he inhales to speak Joshua pushes the door open.

"You ready?" he asks, the excitement colouring his voice - if he could sing it would be lemon yellow. Gordon turns away and pulls on a tank top, Benrey left holding his ratty, bleached and torn up t shirt balled in his hands.

***

Through Benrey's closed eyes, the world looks like a red miasma. If he cracks them open he can see the enormous blue sky, and Gordon silhouetted against the ocean. He won't tan, but he likes the warmth and the breeze and the life of it all. Sometimes he is still a skeleton but right now he almost feels human; content and sleepy, the laughing voices of his friends, Sunkist running up and shaking water all over him as Tommy looks up from his book and laughs. Dr. Coomer and Bubby wrestle in the water. Gordon is at the center of his view, dragging Joshua up out of the water to spin him around and dunk him back in. 

"Tommy," he says, "I think I'm screwed." Tommy finishes the page he's reading and slips in a bookmark, then looks over and tilts his head.

"W- what makes you say that, Mr. Benrey?" he asks. Benrey can't tear his eyes from Gordon's smiling face. Can hardly hear over his booming laughter. He doesn't answer, but when he looks at Tommy a single mauve note of his voice seeps out. Tommy watches it curiously, then giggles. "Don't worry. It'll all work out," he says.

"What will work out?" Gordon asks, suddenly standing feet away. Bubby and Coomer toss Joshua back and forth as he squeals and laughs. Tommy shrugs and goes back to reading. "Wha?" Benrey says. Gordon rolls his eyes again. He sits down close enough that Benrey, still sun-warmed, can feel the cool chill radiate off of him. "We should probably get going soon," Gordon says, staring out at Josh. "You coming over?"

Benrey nods, watching it happen in the reflection on Gordon's sunglasses. He looks at his own dark hair, rough cut bangs hanging over his forehead and the back spilling down to his shoulders; his own dark eyes and pale skin. Gordon reaches over with his left hand and brushes some sand off of his shoulder. "Cringe," he says. Gordon laughs and pushes his shoulder, knocking Benrey down so his head is in Tommy's lap. The book comes down to rest on the side of his head, so he stretches his legs out to rest across Gordon's. Right now, he feels almost human.

He dozes off on the ride back, head lolled back against the seat. Something about the afternoon heat and the sound of the engine, the music playing faintly on the radio, has him lulled so completely he doesn't wake up until Gordon reaches over to clasp his left hand on Benrey's shoulder. The car is filled with a pale mauve light like downtown neon in the rain.

After dinner Benrey plays pretend with Joshua while Gordon does the dishes. "Okay dude," he says as he holds up an action figure, "who's this one?"

Josh glances up from the plush dog, Sunkist, and laughs. "That's daddy." Benrey laughs, glancing at He-Man.

"No way, bro. He's not that buff," Benrey says and Josh giggles. "What about this one?" He holds up a robot and Josh laughs again.

"That's you."

Benrey smiles, but he knows it's more accurate than the seven-year-old meant. He suspects that Gordon can't ever read his emotions, that none of the science team can really read him at all and it puts them on edge. It's as if all of his emotions are a huge tangle somewhere inside of him, some gordian knot, and they never quite translate. Josh takes the two toys from him as Benrey glances up, Gordon leaning on the wall and watching; his lips angled up so slightly that he can hardly tell, a russet mask of sunkissed, freshly freckled skin across his nose and cheeks. He looks back down as Josh is playing along without him, He-Man and the robot having a hushed discussion. "Your kid's talkin' reckless, Freeman," he says to break the tension. "Seems to think you're more buff than me."

Gordon laughs, and it's like the tension slips away. Both of them laughing there in the living room, Joshua between them making the toys kiss.

"Alright, kiddo," Gordon says, "it's past your bed time." Josh pouts, but doesn't put up a fight as his dad lifts him up and carries him down the hall. Benrey's made himself comfortable on the couch by the time Gordon comes back.

"You wanna watch something?" Gordon asks. Benrey just shrugs. "Netflix it is," Gordon says, lifting his legs so he can sit down too. Benrey sits up, watches the opening credits of some random horror movie, and promptly falls asleep. When he wakes up, it's because Gordon is running his fingers through his hair, detangling the ocean-breeze knots. He sighs, and realizes his head is in Gordon's lap, so he cuddles up closer and sleeps again.

In the morning, the rain is pelting the windows. There's no light drifting above him at all; the only colours are the pale blue blanket up under his chin and the cascading grey of the sky outside.

He stretches, looks over to grin at Josh where he's sat at the table eating cereal, and then catches Gordon's eye. He can feel a pale blush spread across his cheeks. His heart speeds up. He stands, making a show of stretching and folding up the blanket, and says "guess I should get going."

"No Benney! I wanna play more!" Josh says, and even though his feet have already carried him toward the door he stops. He can't say no, can't even imagine tears spilling from Josh's big green eyes, so he relents.

***

Three days later, the storm breaks. Not the summer rain of Tuesday morning, but the tension that's mounted agonizingly slowly all week. Benrey is heading toward Gordon's room because he wants to skateboard in the driveway with Josh but can't find the kid's shoes _anywhere_ and he hears Gordon say, "I love you." These are three words which Benrey knows, but which describe a feeling he isn't necessarily versed in. He loves his Playstation, of course, and he loves the beanie that Tommy gave him when Gordon told him to stop wearing his helmet in public; but loving a _person_ is something he only understands in theory. For some reason, though he couldn't explain why if asked, he pushes the door open and barges in. Gordon has just hung up the phone, looks up startled. "Hey-"

"That the girl you were dating?" Benrey asks venomous, dreading any answer and regretting asking. Gordon quirks a brow. He looks confused, until he suddenly looks angry. "What if it was, Benrey?" Gordon says. His voice is flat, level, a plain. Benrey's pulse is a mountain range. He feels hot.

"Bullshit," he mutters. Gordon is about to say something, but he cuts him off and says, "fuck you, bro." He turns on his heel and is marching toward the door; Josh looks up from the living room, one shoe in hand, looking startled; Gordon follows close behind him; "You're such… you're a _fucking_ coward," he says, the words seep out stained madder; Gordon grabs his arm and pulls him around; he rolls with the motion and shoves Gordon off of him with the momentum.

"What's going on?" Josh asks. 

Benrey slams the door behind him, and hears what sounds like Gordon hitting it.

***

"Um, Mr. Benrey?" Tommy says, hardly audible standing in the doorway, "it's not that, uh, I hate whatever this song is…"

"Hail To Thee, Everlasting Pain," Benrey mumbles against his pillow.

"Right. Well it's interesting. I just, wonder if maybe t-two days is long enough to play it on uh, repeat?" Tommy sighs, but offers a small smile when Benrey rolls over and pauses the song blaring from his phone. "There, that's better," Tommy says, gentle. "Do you maybe wanna talk, Mr. Benrey?"

He lays there on his back, on 'his' bed in Tommy's spare room. "No," he says.

"Too bad. Now I've seen you and, and, Mr. Freeman say all sorts of-of awful things to each other, and you've always been fine after. I don't know what happened, but you'll be... right as rain in no time."

"Whatever," he says.

"Not whatever! Last I saw, you two were getting along better than ever. And now you're listening to, uh, screaming for forty-eight hours and it's clearly not helping at all. Tell me what's wrong."

"I'm screwed, bro. I already told you," he says, rolling back over to face the wall. He can hear Tommy walk over, and then his world heaves as he's lifted out of the bed and carried to the bathroom. The shower is already running. Sweet voice, bitter and blackened, rises from his mouth.

"Mr. Benrey! Don't you dare say that! Enough moping. Mr. Freeman cares about _all_ of us. He went through… through a lot to get us out of Black Mesa together, you included. No matter what happened, he always forgave you."

"It's okay, Tommy. I'm the villain. 'I'm the bad guy duh.' The knight doesn't fall for the dragon."

Tommy just watches him. Arms crossed. Then he points wordlessly to the shower. Berney tosses his arms up in defeat, pulls his shirt over his head, and once Tommy closes the door he drops his sweats to step into the hot water.

Once he gets out he feels marginally less skeletal, dragging the towel over his messy self-cut hair. He doesn't know fear anymore as much as he knows some strange sort of sadness, confused and lonely. Tommy is right outside the door, sitting with his back against the wall and Sunkist mostly in his lap, reading. He snaps the book shut and smiles up at Benrey. "You feel better?" he asks, standing. Benrey shrugs, then mumbles something affirmative. Tommy lurches forward to wrap him up in a tight embrace and Benrey quietly says, "oh" in surprise. He stands there, just being held. Then he wraps his arms around Tommy too, and they stand in silence. When he goes back in his room he sits at the computer instead of buried in the bed, and he puts on a different song.

Tommy drags him out to get dinner with Bubby and Coomer; the whole walk over a pit settles in his stomach. Nerves shiver his fingers, so he fidgets with the lighter in his pocket absently. "Hello, Tommy!" Coomer says brightly as they walk into the pizza parlor. "And Benrey!" Bubby glances over from the pinball machine he's beating in the corner and waves absently before growling. Tommy greets the rest of the team brightly, while Benrey becomes a shadow. He has distance now, has set down the anger and the sadness and is sitting instead in a hole. Burying himself. At least Gordon isn’t here - he can put off their meeting a bit longer. Some things Benrey is good at, like video games and playing bass and being a nuisance. He’s historically been good at moving past things, pretending they never happened; but even days later he hears the slamming door echo; the faint ringing call of ‘you’re a coward’ that he couldn’t block out if he tried.

His chest aches, and his lungs are dusty. His gut is hollow. His legs are wooden. He doesn’t want to fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song Shadow by Wild Nothing, "But that's all that I can do / Give my shadow to you"


	2. Do you ever see me at night?

_2\. Do you ever see me at night?_

He leaves for a while, heading out from Tommy's on a whim early one morning and deciding not to go back. He doesn't know where to go, so he tries to see what his gamer pal is up to. It's a small apartment, and Benrey has to sleep on the couch surrounded by pizza boxes and two litres of soda, but the distance is a bandage at least. He doesn't usually drink much, but his friend has beer around and he feels like a skeleton so anything that can fill him up seems preferable.

"Benrey," a voice echos. "Ben," it says, as the world begins to dissolve around him, "Benrey wake the fuck up."

His eyes open but he doesn't move. Maybe he can't. Everything around him is a swirl of colour; a kaleidoscoping haze. "Benrey," the voice says. Desperation tinges the sound. He gasps, can't move, fear settling over him like snow- his thoughts sound like rushing static. He sits up suddenly, gasping. In the living room of the shitty studio apartment the air is filled floor to ceiling with a multicoloured fog of sweet voice. "Benrey, your fucking phone is ringing," someone says through the fog. He reaches over blindly, realizing only as he answers that he doesn't have a phone, and mumbles, "hello?"

"Benrey it's uh… it's Gordon." He's still breathing heavily, still can't see through the haze. "Listen uh, Josh really wants to see you. He's heading back to his mom's soon and I know we haven't talked since… I know you've been gone… anyway. Josh won't stop asking about you so… so yeah."

Benrey finally calms enough to say, "wha? Sure… okay." The line goes quiet, static reminding him of his jumbled thoughts. "Little dude's upset? Misses benney time?"

Gordon chuckles, "that's an understatement. Apparently I don't play pretend right. And he… he's still upset about… anyway. You know you can come over whenever. Not like I could stop you." Benrey cracks a weak facsimile of a smile. His heart feels like stone, thudding slowly and heavily. He closes his eyes and sees the beach, Gordon laughing with Joshua in his arms, Benrey stretched out between Tommy and Gordon. It's better to look at than the slowly clearing haze. "So I'll see you, I guess."

"Uh. Yeah." He says. He gulps, takes in a huge breath, and says, "Gordon…" but the line goes dead before he can speak. He wishes he knew what he was about to say.

***

He opens the door and is immediately tackled to the ground with an armful of tearful child. "Benney!" Joshua yells, laughing as they tumble and Benrey's arms wrap around him. "Knew you'd come back."

"Hey little dude," he says smiling. Looking up at Joshua's face; tears of mirth and enormous grin with gaps of missing teeth; it's like looking up at the enormous blue sky. "Didja miss me?" Joshua nods, standing and grabbing his hand to pull him inside.

Gordon is talking to someone in the kitchen, but Josh leads him straight down the hall to his room. He-Man and the robot are displayed together on his desk. "Kay," Josh says, "listen. He-Man is big and loud, and the robot is quiet. They go together. They're better together. Without one they get sad." Benrey just nods, his gut sinking. "They're in love, right? And that's magic. They're… they need each other."

"Games are simple, little dude…" he mumbles. "Toys do what makes sense…" he doesn't know what to say, but Joshua just sighs. He gives one more wistful look toward the toys, and the two of them head back into the living room.

Gordon is standing next to a statuesque woman. She looks immaculate; short curly hair carefully styled, a gorgeous simple dress that looks like pale pink silk, skin like the deepest flush across Gordon's bronze face. Beautiful. She strides forward and holds out a hand, grinning. "You must be Benrey," she says.

"Sometimes," he says, shrugging. He takes her hand and shakes it as she laughs. 

"I'm Joan," she says, glancing back to Gordon, "it's nice to finally meet you." His skin is itching and he shoves his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt.

"Uh, yeah. 'S cool. Gordon's girlfriend, right?" he says. Joan nods, her mouth settling into an odd smile, like a secret. The four of them head into the dining room for dinner, and Benrey sits in a daze. He eats the chicken and salad and he answers questions when Joan asks, he even plays human a bit and asks questions of his own.

She seems nice, and smart. Interesting, maybe, if he didn't have the strangest feeling like he's supposed to hate her on principle. Her and Gordon went to MIT together. She got her Master's in aerospace engineering and Bubby would love to know that she can make rockets launch good; suddenly Benrey is struck realising that Bubby probably already knows her, that he's almost certainly the last to be introduced.

After dinner he distracts Joshua as Gordon cleans up and talks to Joan. "You look tired Benney," the kid says, and he laughs. At this point, everyone is lucky he's not a skeleton. Sometimes he can choose these things but often they just happen. He tries to remember what he was like before, a long time ago, yesterday, ever. It's a fog; the past is all greyed out. Redacted.

"I'm alright dude. Just some epic gaming sessions. Have I shown you Viva Pinata yet?" he says. Joshua shakes his head. "You're gonna love it."

Josh has to go to bed, so Benrey lays him down and tucks him in. Then he walks to the table with Gordon and Joan. In front of him, on the table, a slim bottle sweats. The two are already talking about something when he sits down. Joan’s laughing as Gordon is grinning like the cat that ate the canary. "No really, that’s hilarious. How did you actually do it though, Gordon?” she asks. 

“That’s the secret. If I told you, there would be no mystery.” While they talk, Benrey pulls out his phone to feign distraction. This conversation has no room for him, referencing in-jokes and stories about college. She looks happy, listening to him. In the dim light, Gordon's skin shines like bronze; he sounds musical when he laughs, if he could sing it would be bright and sunny.

Benrey opens google and types in, "what does love look like?" And then, "how do you feel things," and then, "how to tell if someone likes you." Questions, questions. No answers to be uncovered. He takes a drink of his beer.

"Benrey," Joan says, pausing, "I'm being so rude. Tell me how you met Gordon!" She leaves off on a bright smile. "Gordon has told me so much about you, but I still feel like I hardly know anything."

Benrey's hand tightens on his phone. He sets it down and meets her dark eyes with his own. Gordon talks about him. Gordon _knows_ about him and has told his girlfriend an undetermined number of assumptions and half-truths. He shrugs. He stalls for time. "Met at Black Mesa. Work. Not a fun story," he says. He eyes Gordon wearily. How much has he told her? "Gordon fucked up the whole building," he says. Joan quirks a brow. "I'm sure Gordon told you all the cool parts." He isn't, though, there isn't an ounce of confidence in him. He drinks again. 

"Not really," Joan says, turning to Gordon. He rubs his right arm above the elbow with his left hand. The prosthetic at the end of his right arm tightens around his beer. He's nervous. "Just that you met through work."

"True enough," Benrey says. Joan is nice, and funny, but Benrey sits the whole time just shivering, trying to keep his bones inside. Trying to keep the human visage.

Eventually, Joan excuses herself and heads home. The house is cemetery quiet as Gordon and him sit on the couch and put on a movie. He can't even watch, absorbs none of it; he spends two hours hyper aware of Gordon next to him, eyes on the television.

He settles in on the couch and stares up at the ceiling. An hour later, Gordon's door opens and he walks into the living room. He's a silhouette against the darkness.

"Benrey," he whispers. Testing if he's awake or if he can avoid this. He sits up.

"Yo," he answers. It's quiet aside from the slow ticking of a clock and the sighing hum of the fridge.

"I miss you," Gordon says.

"Lame," he mumbles, then, "miss you too."

"Why'd you come?" Gordon asks. Benrey frowns.

"You called. Why'd you call?"

"Joshua," Gordon says, then stops. "Because I wanted to see you."

Benrey sighs. He lays back down on the couch and stares at the ceiling. "I don't think we should do this anymore," he says. He can hear the sharp breath. "I don't think… we're on the same page anymore. Never were maybe. I don't want to think about the beach and be sad. Or think about Josh and be sad. I don't wanna be a big sad anymore." He takes a long breath. "Benrey-" Gordon says, but he interrupts, "Gordon. This… it hurts. Being here right now. Are you hurting?"

Gordon sighs. He doesn't answer, and after he goes back to his room Benrey gets up and leaves.

***

He goes to Tommy's first, but the guy looks terrible with a frown so he heads to Coomer and Bubby's after a couple days. Coomer institutes a strict 'no moping' policy after the first hour, so he distracts himself by beating Bubby at Smash repeatedly until the older man is furious. "How are you so damn good?" Bubby asks. He just shrugs.

"Mmmm… I'm not. Only number 12," Benrey answers and Bubby stares him down.

"In the world?!" he asks. Benrey nods.

While Coomer is relatively normal, if not frighteningly cheerful early in the morning, Bubby had never been outside Black Mesa before… everything. Neither of them have a real past, so in some strange way he finds solace. It seems to help, throwing himself into this odd routine and listening to the men's conversation for all of its idiosyncrasy. Getting out and walking in the sunshine; waking up early to hear Coomer in the kitchen humming to himself as he cooks breakfast; only late at night does he lay on the couch and think about Gordon. What makes him the villain? Lately the thought that he never truly was has been more and more distant. Maybe no one was the villain in the story; maybe no one ever really is.

"Benrey," Bubby says suddenly during dinner, "Gordon Freeman is an idiot." Dr. Coomer frowns, but Benrey laughs and aside from that neither of them bring it up. He doesn't feel like a skeleton when he wakes up, but he hasn't sung in weeks. It's as if he's caught in some current, being dragged along, and all he can do is drift with it.

***

Everything seems jejune; he isn't necessarily a big sad anymore and he hasn't been a skeleton in weeks, but around him things are dull. He goes out with the old guys a few times, trips downtown or to the mall (he gets lost in the arcade for hours) but for the most part splits his time between their house and Tommy's.

Twice, he sees Gordon.

The first time, he's downtown and has just stepped out from the restaurant for a moment because crowds don't suit him. The sun is low, painting the sky red; glowing along all the treetops and in the windows. Across the street, Gordon and Joan step out of his shitty car. They're laughing, soft across the distance, and Gordon's eyes are crinkled up at the corners. Benrey's eyes only do that when he's playing with Joshua or when Tommy makes him laugh so it seems important. Like a big thing. Joan is radiant in the sunset, and he tears his eyes away just as Gordon looks over. In the restaurant, he orders another drink and doesn't tell the science team.

The second time, his breath is hitched in his throat and he's choking out a gasp. He went out to the bar because Tommy told him not to. A man, solid and big under his hands, has just bit his neck. His cheeks feel hot; his neck feels bruised, and he grabs the guy by his jaw and says, "now kiss me like you mean it." He's obliged and as he tosses his head to the side his eyes meet and anchor on pale green and deep skin and a heavy blush and unruly curled hair. He pushes the guy off and walks down the alley, reaching the sidewalk and rushing to approach the broad shadow of Gordon, retreating in the neon glow.

"Wait up," he says, and Gordon freezes in place. He doesn't intend on pursuing him, but soon catches up and reaches to Gordon's shoulder. "Whatcha runnin' for Freeman?" To himself, his voice sounds childish and brash. Bratty. He knows a few reasons why Gordon might want to avoid this conversation.

"Thought you might want some privacy," Gordon supplies. He chuckles weakly, and his big hand to rest on the opposite arm just above the elbow; a nervous habit. "You doing good?" he asks, and Benrey scoffs. He doesn't smoke cigarettes but this seems like an apropos moment so he manifests one in his fingers and pulls out the lighter he usually fidgets with.

"Alley's not very private," Benrey says, shrugging, but after too long a moment. Gordon frowns, says, "no, I suppose it's not."

"I only kissed him because he looked like you," Benrey says; Gordon flinches.

"Why'd you tell me that?" he questions; Benrey shrugs. He takes a drag from his cigarette and then drops it because he doesn't usually smoke. As he steps on it, he heaves a sigh.

"Why'd you kiss me in Black Mesa?" he answers. Then he turns and walks back to the bar, and he leaves Gordon Freeman behind him.

***

_"Whatcha doin'?" Benrey asks, stepping into the small room where Freeman is sitting in a corner. He looks up and then sighs, dropping his head into his hands._

_"Can't you just leave me alone?" Freeman asks. Benrey bristles. He shakes his head slowly. He thinks about physics; about light. He sings a pale mauve note to light the room. "I can't sleep, alright?" Freeman says, "I'm stressed out and we could die at any moment."_

_Benrey shrugs and sings again, blue this time, and watches as Freeman relaxes. "Nah. You won't die. Won't let you… no fun." He can tell that they already think he is a villain. If they make him one he'll have no choice. Sometimes he can control these things but often they just happen. "Why are you always mad?" he asks. Freeman looks up at him._

_"Why are you always so frustrating?" he answers. Benrey frowns._

_"You think I'm confusing… I don't get you either. Don't understand… none of you. 'S hard.." It's Freeman's turn to frown, and he seems to take a long moment to think about it. Benrey sits next to him. "You just don't get it. Only looking at one thing at a time. Circles inside circles. Blue, blue, blue." He punctuates by singing at Gordon again and watching him sag._

_"Maybe you're right."_

_"Usually am."_

_Gordon rolls his eyes, but he's visibly less tense. Benrey smiles. "Where did you come from?" he asks. Benrey's smile sets like the sun; nightfall; into darkness._

_"Dunno. Here, I guess." Behind him everything is grey. Redacted. He doesn't know or he doesn't want to know. He remembers something, so he asks, "how old is your kid?"_

_"Six," Gordon says, frowning. He's worried he won't get home, Benrey thinks, but his worries are all aimed the wrong way._

_"He like games?" Benrey asks._

_"Not as much as you do."_

_Benrey smiles again, leans over to rest his head on Gordon's shoulder and doesn't get shoved away. "I'll make sure you get home," he says. Freeman sighs. He can feel the heat radiating off of him. He wants to feel more. "No prob, you'll be fine."_

_"Thanks," Gordon mumbles. Feelings are something neither of them seem to excel at; talking is another. Instead, Benrey twists his head and presses his lips against Gordon's cheek. The man turns to face him, blushing, and then sighs. Big hand on his cheek. Benrey's face flushes. Gordon leans in, pulling him at the same time, and in the depths of Black Mesa they kiss._

***

The bruise on his neck earns him a look from Tommy, but he's already a skeleton under his clothes so he just walks past and down the hall. In his room he strips down and he thinks about happy things, like the beach and Tommy and Sunkist and Joshua on a skateboard and by the time his door opens behind him he's mostly flesh again. His ribs are out, and Tommy has a frown like a waning moon. "Mr, uh, Mr. Benrey…" he says, small and quiet like he doesn't want Benrey to frighten; like one might speak to a deer in your yard. "P-please talk to me."

Benrey closes his eyes, because seeing Tommy look sad has bone uncovered like sand blown away from ancient things; he waits until he is whole again, and then says, "I'm sorry," in a thick voice. "I'm sorry, Tommy, but I keep fucking up."

He listens to three footsteps and then he feels a soft shirt against his face and arms around his shoulders and he cries. The air fills up with orange light.

"Don't wor- don't w- it uh, it's okay Benrey. We're all fucking up. It's part of being human."

***

_Gordon's lips are chapped from the arid wind and all the yelling. Benrey's eyes snap shut and he leans in more, pressing closer as if he could melt right through him. Gordon knocks his helmet off and tangles his fingers in Benrey's dark hair; gravity. This is the event horizon. This is the inflationary epoch. Gravity and heat. Heat uncurling in his gut, pulling back for a second before Gordon closes the distance (centimeters, no distance at all) again and steals his breath._

_"Gordon," he says, pulling back._

_"What?" Gordon answers._

_"Do that again," he says, and is obliged. Both of Gordon's big hands, warm palms, cup along his jaw - thumbs on throat, thrumming heart - "just do that again." Lips against lips, sighs caught between them, light in his eyes behind his eyelids; ghost lights on stages and fairy lights in the woods. He angles his head and surges forward, collapsing upon him like a torrent of rain. Benrey's hands on Gordon's shoulders, straddling his lap, Gordon's fingers tangled in his hair. They kiss again._

***

He sits down roughly on his bed and sighs. Tommy next to him, the last of his bones all covered up. "I'm not human though," he says. Tommy shrugs and pulls him close again.

"Coulda fooled me."

***

_"I don't want you to hate me," Benrey says. The sun is rising. Gordon is asleep and soon Benrey will leave. It all makes sense. No one is the hero and no one is the villain. Wheels within wheels. He has to go ahead, has to rush forward and merc the real boss. The big bad. He doesn't want to be the dragon, but he can't risk the team failing. It's the only answer; they need a villain so he'll have to play the part. "When this is all over… I don't want anyone to be mad. It's all a loop. Spirals." He sings a bit, more blue to keep Gordon calm._

_"Time to be a big bad," he says, and stands up. Gordon shifts, but doesn't wake. Benrey spends a moment looking at him, all the harsh lines smoothed out in sleep, and then heads for Xen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title also from 'Shadow' by Wild Nothing. "Do you ever see me at night? / And does it please you at all?"


	3. Sleepin' in my head

_3\. Sleepin' in my head_

Sometimes, one has to do something that they regret before they even do it. Sometimes, the very thought of what one must do is more painful than the action itself. Things are falling into place and the puzzle is filling in; the image clear; if he looks at his tea leaves they look like Black Mesa. They look like loneliness.

He looks instead to the big huge sky. Today it isn't raining, above him is an endless field of cerulean. Yesterday it rained and he spent the day up on the roof anyway so Tommy frowned at him again, but today is beautiful.

He can see two paths ahead; a split in the river. He can walk away from these people and cut Gordon from his life entirely, or he can get over it and fucking deal. It's like he suddenly rubbed the fog from the mirror and saw himself clearly for once. Regardless of the past, him and Gordon are in different chapters of the same story. They have different goals; their characters are developing. At some point, while he was happy, Joan snuck by him, and regardless of how he _feels_ about it there is no lie he can tell to undo it. So he was a big sad. It's allowed. Yesterday he was the rainclouds. Now he's the sky; empty and cerulean and bright.

He rolls off of his back and heads back inside through the upstairs window. Tommy is in the living room and he glances up when Benrey enters. He smiles back and Tommy's doubles in size. Sunkist trots over and nuzzles into his hand so he skritches behind his ears and on the top of his head. "We should do something fun," Benrey says. "It's pretty outside."

Tommy turns off the tv and stands, stretching. "What did you… uh what did you have in mind?" he asks. Benrey shrugs, but he steps out front and Tommy follows after, Sunkist on leash and the day ahead of them.

It's warm enough that Benrey can feel the sun on him through the haze that's surrounded him the last few weeks. When he smiles it makes Tommy laugh and grin so he does it a lot until he forgets he's even doing it at all. This summer is all roses. Rose tinted and perfumed. Sometimes he is still a skeleton; late at night under the covers in his bed, he's sun bleached bone bathed in moonlight; but today he is whole and happy. The arcade is stifling so Benrey sheds his hoody for once. Through the windows the light is stained a kaleidoscoping field by the posters. On the inside of the door a sign reads, "If you don't play, you can't stay." As they approach the counter, Tommy drops a twenty which is quickly exchanged for two rolls of quarters. "What d'ya wanna play first?" Tommy asks. He glances around, shrugging at first, until something catches his eye. He points, and Tommy grins, says, "you're on!"

They stand shoulder-to-shoulder shooting zombies and reloading and teasing and laughing. The place is a racket; jeering laughter and flashing lights, a cacophony of games making discordant noises, Tommy's laughter close enough for Benrey to feel him shake against his arm; this is where he feels at home. This beautiful mess, all the people happy in these walls. It feels like a blanket.

By the time the sun slips down, they spend their last two dollars on sodas and sit outside. Sunkist is laying with his head in Benrey's lap and his fingers are running slowly through the dog's shaggy coat. "You know Mr. Benrey," Tommy says, "a smile is a good look on you."

Benrey ducks his head, his cheeks warming as he looks out at the deepening sky. "Feels nice. It's a nice night. Thanks, Tommy." Next to him the man just shrugs and slings an arm over his shoulders.

"Any time."

***

The sun rises. He spends his days wandering around with Tommy or going to the park with Bubby and Dr. Coomer or jamming out with Jimothy on Rock Band. The sun sets. Long nights and languid mornings, afternoons that stretch out like cats in sunshine.

Through Benrey's closed eyes, the world looks like a vast canvas painted yellow and blue and pink. If he cracks them open he can see Bubby's arms flailing as Coomer picks him up and twirls, knee deep in the ocean with a wave poised to collapse upon them. He can see Tommy jogging back from the pier with drinks, Sunkist racing alongside, wearing a pair of matching grins. He can see his family. The songs of gulls, the hum of voices. "Hey!" he hears Tommy yelling, "look who I found!"

Gordon and Joan trailing behind him. Benrey likes her hat. He sits up, stretching off his nap, and smiles bemused as he realizes he's wearing Gordon's shorts. He's dusting sand off himself as they arrive, Sunkist running toward Coomer. "Hey, Benrey," Joan says and he waves. Gordon's hand is on his arm, just above his elbow. Reading him is easy but exhausting nonetheless. "Haven't seen you around much," Joan says. Benrey shrugs and gestures toward the sea; toward the three men and dog frolicking in the spray.

"Been around," he says, simply. "Things goin' on. Me and Tommy went to the arcade." Joan smiles but Benrey's eyes are on Gordon. He's nervous. "How's Josh?" he asks. Joan's eyes leave him for the horizon.

"Uh, good. His mom took him camping and he wouldn't stop talking about it," Gordon says. Benrey smiles. Camping; the woods and the mountains, the lazy freedom of it; it appeals to him. Joan sighs, running her fingers through her hair with a sudden frown.

"Tell me all about it dude, I love camping." Gordon gives him an odd look, surprise and apprehension.

"I'm going to swim," Joan says, excusing herself. She must have felt the air shift and grow heavy. She heads toward the water as Benrey sits back down on the blanket. Gordon sits next to him, staring out, at the sea or at Joan, and Gordon's retelling of the trip is bookended by long pauses.

"I miss you," Gordon says. Benrey sighs, says, "miss you too."

"You know, it's strange…" Gordon says, trailing off. "Things are so different than they were last time we were here." He glances at Gordon's face in silhouette. The man looks the same; same tired eyes and grey strands in his hair, same loose smile. He's afraid of change, Benrey thinks, but as he looks out at the water it's changing all the time; the same water in a different shape, the same breeze with different sounds. Different gulls singing the same songs. Everything, everything, changing constantly. Gordon's fears always pointed in the wrong direction.

Even himself, for all he feels stagnant; he's changed so much in the last month. "You know…" he says, drifting off, "I love you, Gordon." He doesn't respond and after a while Benrey turns away and looks up at the sun because it hurts less.

***

Everything is bathed in neon red; the jukebox is screaming, a song he's never heard before that sounds weathered and aged, on the table in front of him a tall thin bottle sweats nervously. Tommy is dancing with a girl in a short, tight dress, his face split by a toothy grin and flushed from the action; every so often he catches Benrey's eye and winks just to make him laugh. 

The bar isn't packed full, exactly, but it is crowded, and Benrey's hand is in his pocket fidgeting with the lighter he carries around. Crowds don't suit him. He doesn't light up a room the way Tommy does, doesn't have the natural charm. He doesn't have a partner to rely on, like Bubby and Coomer. All he can do is sit by, watching his friends have fun, watching the beer sweat on the table. A left hand wraps around the neck of it and lifts it up to pink lips. He looks over and sees Gordon, a shy smile on his face, take a swig and set the bottle back down. "Hey," he says. Benrey glances back over to where Tommy was but he's disappeared, so he puts on a smile.

"Hey," he answers. Joan is at the bar. Gordon slides into the booth to sit next to him. "You having fun?" he asks. They haven't spoken much all night, as if one of them switched polarity and instead of being drawn together they're repelling and bouncing off.

"Am now," Gordon answers, aiming for a cocky grin and coming up alarmingly short. If he's honest, he's on edge enough that the lighter in his pocket is making a constant low roar of dragging as he spins the flint around over and over. "Wanna dance?" he asks as Joan is walking over with drinks. Benrey looks away, toward where he last saw Tommy, but only finds strangers. He shrugs. Gordon downs the shot that he grabs from his girlfriend, and kisses her cheek. Benrey turns back to say something, and finds Gordon's hand outstretched toward him. Behind him, Joan is staring at the red bathed wall, face blank and carefully neutral.

Hey tentatively takes Gordon's left hand, and is pulled up, stumbling a bit. His face is burning. The bar is growingly increasingly hot, small, full; Gordon pulls him out into the crowd of people and pulls him suddenly close as the song slows. "I miss you," Gordon says into his ear. As he spins he can see Joan sitting at the table, talking to Coomer but with her eyes firmly on them. The weight of her stare is heavy and suffocating.

"Gordon," he says but then goes quiet. He regrets wearing his usual hoody. "I've been missing you," Gordon continues, voice hoarse. "This sucks, Benrey. I hate that you keep leaving."

He steps back, breaking contact. "I'm right here. Been here this whole time." He turns to walk away, past the bathrooms and out the back into an alley. It's cold, unseasonably so, and the rain is mist-like and soaks him instantly. He takes a ragged breath and reaches for his lighter, lighting a cigarette he manifests out of his pocket. The door opens and closes behind him but he doesn't turn.

He takes a deep drag of the cigarette, exhaling in an exhausted sigh. He feels a hand on his shoulder and sags under the warm weight. "What's going on with you?" Gordon's voice.

He turns, steps back. "Me? What are you… Like a pod person. You're messing up, bro."

"I can't…" Gordon trails off. His face is freckled by the rain and the light catches the rivulets as they run down off his cheeks. " _Benrey_ ," he says - his voice is off, alarms go off in Benrey's head. "I wish I didn't… you're just…"

"Not making sense," he says. "You're not making any fucking sense." He wishes he were at Tommy's. Or the beach. Camping even, in the woods.

"I can't get over you. I want to just walk away, but I can't. Why can't I… why can't I stop?" Benrey turns away again, eyeing a few people outside the neighboring bar in conversation. He stares at them as Gordon continues digging his grave. Benrey is stubborn to walk away and too in love not to listen. "I love you too," Gordon says. The beach, the sun, decades behind them now, "I love you, Benrey."

"Stop," he says. Flushed again, now angry instead of frightened. It's the wrong words at the wrong time. "Just stop, Gordon." He's shaking. His bones are rattling; under his hoody his ribs are uncovered, his legs gone beneath him. "Go back inside."

He leaves.

***

_"Why now?" Benrey asks. Gordon's head in his lap, his long hair down and spilling out, tangled around Benrey's fingers as he works out knots. "Why kiss me now?"_

_Gordon sighs, clearly already falling asleep. "Seemed like the right time I guess. Why did you kiss me?"_

_Benrey is looking at the wall, slightly damaged from their earlier battle. "I wanted to. Have this whole time. You're… I like you." He shrugs, then works more at detangling his long hair._

_Gordon doesn't say anything, and while Gordon falls asleep he sighs. It comes out as a pale mauve light. It surrounds them; vivid and painting the room, peaceful and warm, no resistance, simple. The room is full up, and the serenity makes Benrey sag. Clarity. They are cocooned in its magic; transformative. A heavy blanket like fresh snow. Gordon at the center of this mauve world. Mauve… Benrey finds himself marveling at the revelation, and as his heart thuds in his chest he contemplates this new reality. This unfamiliar feeling. Affection and comfort; safety. It sits at an odd angle in his thoughts as they shift and whirl around him. A single word at the center of the pull, printed neatly in his mind. As much as it surprises him, he can't help but whisper this echoing sentiment, pulled up roughly at the end in uncertainty, "love?"_

***

He wakes up because his phone is ringing. Blindly. He reaches over and grabs it. "Wha?" he says, voice thick with delirium.

"Benrey," Gordon says. His voice is slurred. He wants to hang up but instead listens to the static. "I just… I'm alone. Sad. Big sad. I want you." Benrey doesn't say anything, long enough that Gordon asks, "you still there?" Always, always, through all of this. He's still here.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm here. Where are you?"

"I dunno. Left. Me and Joan…" he sighs. "It doesn't matter. Just want… hear your voice." Gordon is drunker than when he left, and sounds like tears are gathering in his eyes. "Love you so much…"

Benrey sighs. The room is dark. Rain pelts the window. Wind through the trees outside singing. "Gordon. I can't… Trying hard to… Just. Call Joan. Talk to her."

He hangs up, and closes his eyes.

His eyes snap open when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He sits up suddenly, a shout on his lips, and sees Tommy. Disheveled, hair a mess, half asleep and wearing a frown. "Uh, Benrey. Can you- There's uh- We… have company." Before he can even react he realizes who Tommy means.

He climbs out of bed, pulling on shorts, and follows Tommy out to the dining room. Gordon is sitting at the table, soaking wet, a towel over his shoulders, an untouched glass of water in front of him. He looks up and grins. "Benrey!"

"Gordon. What… why are you here?" Benrey says. Gordon frowns. Sunkist whines because Gordon has stopped petting him.

"I wanted to see you. Don't wanna be… be alone." 

Everything about this feels wrong. Wrong time. His mouth won't work. Tommy is standing by the couch, his hand gripping the fabric of it and a frown swallowing his face. "Uh," Benrey says as his voice fails him. The back of his neck is burning hot. "Let's uh, follow me…" he says, and Gordon stands unsteadily. He pauses to chug the water and sets the glass down too hard; Tommy flinches and Sunkist sits up suddenly. He walks over and grabs Gordon's arm, leads him out and into the yard. "What's going on?" he asks, and Gordon frowns again. He sighs.

"Joan's gone… said… I was stupid and we argued. It's over but I…" he trails off, isn't any clearer than before. "Should be mad but… but I just keep thinking of you."

Benrey lights a cigarette. Around him the yard is shifting in the shadows, unfamiliar and strange; he's shaking; the rain stopped hours ago and at Tommy's, so far out, the silence is only broken by the bugs and the wind in the trees. "So now I'm good enough?" Benrey asks. Gordon's eyes snap from his shoes to meet his eyes, and he takes a step back like he's been struck.

"That what you think?" Gordon asks. He seems mad. "That's what you think this was about?"

"I don't know, Gordon. I thought… I thought, and I was wrong. Now…" he doesn't know what to say. The wind picks up and it sets his heart racing. The whole yard feels like static, like magic. "You don't make sense. You want me or not? Me but not me. Been teasing me since Black Mesa. What did you think? I wouldn't fall for you?"

Gordon looks away, toward the deep shadows at the edge of their existence; the edge of their stage; the edge of everything. "I tried not to," he says, finally. His voice is shaky. Benrey takes a drag of his cigarette. The wind rises again.

"You shouldn't be here," Benrey says. Gordon is mad again, turns back to him and steps forward. Benrey steps back. A dance of magnets. Pushed or pulled, he can't just _be_ when he's with Gordon.

"There he is. The old Benrey. The real Benrey. You're… you're the coward. I forgave you for so much… my fucking hand… and you were too busy feeling bad for yourself. You're acting pretty well-adjusted considering _you_ were the bad guy!"

It's Benrey's turn to be shocked back, twisting his head away as Gordon's words box his ears. "Fuck you, Gordon. I wasn't the villain any more than you were. I killed the monster, asshole!" Gordon's eyes widen and then narrow. "Where do you think I went? I went to Xen and killed some bigass final boss because I didn't want _you_ to get hurt! I played the part because I… because I cared about all of you. But I was afraid of losing… you."

"I should go," Gordon says and Benrey scoffs, says, "and I'm a coward. Sleep on the couch. Tommy won't let you walk home anyway."

He walks inside and up to his room, grabs a spare blanket, and walks back to the living room. Gordon has just come in the back, shivers at the change in temperature. Benrey tosses the blanket to him, pours him another glass of water, and walks away.

Tommy is waiting in his room when he gets back, and Benrey sits next to him in silence before Tommy pulls him close and holds him. "I think uh… we should talk about this," Tommy says. He would rather swallow glass. He tells him anyway.

Breakfast is quiet. Tommy talks about Beyblades while Benrey picks at his food. Gordon stares at the mug of coffee steaming in front of him and slowly works through some toast. By the time Gordon calls a cab, Benrey is weary to his bones. Almost certainly he will go straight back to bed, spend the day under the blankets with his gameboy and sleep for hours.

Gordon leaves, and his coffee is still half-full and hot enough to burn.

Last night Tommy and Sunkist slept in his bed with him, and now it seems enormous. Alone, he seems so small.

***

If his life had ever found a sense of normalcy or routine it's been lost now. He alternates between hiding out in his bed and wandering the city. Drifting like smoke, here and there. He's been scattered. The sky is enormous, and underneath it he is insignificant. The quiet sets him on edge so he finds his way to the arcade. The neon haze, the raucous noise of it, his shoulders sag in relief. Still, his mind is scattered; he's a pillar of salt; no longer a skeleton but something less steady; he's a mirage.

"Cringe," he says as he fails at pinball again, and then he jumps as he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns to see Joan, dressed down in a simple sundress, shyly smiling.

"Hi Benrey," she says, pulling a roll of quarters from her bag. "Wanna play?" she asks, gesturing toward the machine. He nods and she fills it up with change, pulling the plunger and immediately flinging the ball into a series of kickers and racking up points. "How have you been?" she asks, her eyes on the table.

"Alive," he answers, his voice is small in the noise, but Joan laughs.

Her score climbs as she plays expertly. Benrey is impressed. "I wanted to talk to you about Gordon," she says.

"We didn't do anything while you were together," he assures. The ball slides past the bumper and her turn ends as the machine sings and lights up wildly. She finally turns to him as she steps out of the way and he fills her space.

"I know," she says, "I wanted to…" he pulls the plunger and the game starts; as he focuses his tongue pokes out the corner of his mouth. "I wanted to let you know that I didn't break it off because of you." He shrugs, but inside he is warming up rapidly despite how cold he feels. "In case you thought… that isn't it."

He hits the ball and tracks it as it bounces around, carefully keeping it in play. "Why then?" he asks. He doesn't want to know, but this seems important. Joan wants him to hear her out so he will. He bumps the ball again.

"To be honest it was… just… awkward timing."

His turn ends and they trade again. She's in the lead, but he's not too far behind. "Wha?" he asks.

She starts and immediately shows her experience, nudging the table to aim the ball into the highest center hole. The table lights up wildly. "You know, some people say everything happens for a reason. I can get behind that, sure. We learn lessons and grow from the things that happen. So, maybe there's a reason for everything… but sometimes it's the wrong time. The wrong lesson on the wrong day. Gordon and I… we weren't on the same page. He wants… I thought…" she trails off and turns her face; in profile the light bounces off of her delicate features. The ball rolls past the bumpers and her turn ends. "I thought what I wanted was to settle down, I guess. Normality. But the reality of it; the abnormality… giving up myself and my goals, or at least parts of them, for Gordon and Joshua… it isn't what I need right now."

Benrey pulls the plunger to take his last turn. Joan is still leading, but he has a chance. "What do you need?" he asks. When he tries to answer his own question, all he can see is Gordon dunking Joshua into the sea; him tucking Josh into bed and saying goodnight; Gordon's arms and the way he blushes straight down his neck to his chest. The thoughts are like ghosts; like him.

"What I need is a good book and bottle of wine. Maybe a cat. I need to focus on my work. Might start teaching. Who knows." She shrugs. "I don't think you can _know_ what you need until you get it. But you know when you find it. Guess I'm still looking."

Benrey plays on, racking up points, and in the end he's barely ahead, but he wins. She smiles, and pulls him into a hug. "I think you're someone really special, Benrey. You mean a hell of a lot to a lot of people. I hope you know that."

He doesn't, not really, but the idea curls up in his mind like a cat; it sleeps there and purrs and he smiles. "Thanks," he says. He means it. "Thank you, Joan."

She waves him off, pausing as she walks away to say, "take good care of them. Keep them close," over her shoulder. Benrey can't think of anything that could stop him. 

***

Sometimes he is a skeleton; bare beneath his clothes and cold to touch. Sometimes he is a ghost; fragmentary and faded like an old photograph, absent and missing. But sometimes, some glorious days, he is whole and warm, flesh and blood, alive. On those days he does his best for everyone around him, because Tommy looks wrong with a frown and because Coomer will sometimes clap a big hand on his shoulder and smile and it even softens Bubby's angles. Sometimes, even, because when he is whole and can grin and laugh, it makes it easier to see Gordon without feeling hollow. On those days the sun is bright and the wind is full of magic.

He wakes up in the afternoon, and even though his phone is ringing he takes a moment to bask. "Yo," he says as he answers. He doesn't need to look to know who is on the other end.

"Hey Benrey. You sound chipper for this early," Gordon says. He chuckles. "Josh is coming back on Saturday," he says, "last time before the school year starts and he's with his mom until the holidays. Also I want to… well, we haven't really talked about everything so…" there is a lot unsaid, a heavy pause of static. _Everything_ , such an enormous word.

He smiles even as his eyes slip closed again, the phone pressed up to his ear with his shoulder. Joshua is like the sun, and he always brings more good days with him. "Haven't seen you around much," Benrey says, when what he means is 'I miss you.' For all the strife and chaos, Gordon is part of his life. He's family.

"Yeah, you know. Been trying to clean the place up a bit." Gordon is quiet after that, and as he lays in the sun he pictures Gordon, hair haphazard, tossing his bong back into the garage and airing out the living room by shaking a towel, quickly hiding porn in his room.

"Burn some sage," Benrey says, giggling. Gordon is quiet at first, like he's in the middle of something but then they share a laugh as Benrey says, "to get rid of the smell of weed smoke."

Gordon says, "your mind amazes me." And they spend the rest of the afternoon chatting idly while Gordon cleans and, yes, burns some sage in the living room as Benrey cajoles him.

"I'll see you soon," Benrey says before hanging up. It's barely dinner time, and Gordon mentioned he was making steak, so Benrey decides to head straight over instead of waiting.

Gordon must have known, sometimes seems to know Benrey better than he knows himself. He lets himself in. There's two glasses of wine on the table, Gordon is humming along to music in the kitchen, and the smell of steak has him grabbing both glasses and walking in. Gordon has just slid them onto plates when he turns, startled, and then grins. "Took you long enough," Gordon says, setting down the plates and grabbing his glass. He takes a drink. Maybe he's nervous. Benrey is tired of trying to read people.

"Yeah, yeah," he answers, sitting down. His steak is rare, how he likes it, even though he doesn't think he's ever said that to Gordon. Things have meaning, but right now he's doing his best to just _be_. "Not at your beck and call, had Business to take care of."

"Finally hit top ten on Smash?" Gordon asks. He frowns, exaggerating. He shakes his head as he chews some steak, spearing salad on his fork idly.

"Nah. Moved up to eleven though." They eat and talk circles around _Everything_ , there are dialogues happening here that Benrey is ignoring. Words between words and circles inside circles. 

"Look," Gordon says, setting down his empty glass. "I've been an enormous bitch baby about everything. I fucked up…" he says. Benrey opens his mouth but Gordon holds up a hand. "Just… let me say this. I fucked up a lot. I put you through hell and I hurt you. It wasn't right. As easy as it was to forgive you after Black Mesa I couldn't forgive myself. So I just… I'm sorry. You mean a lot… I care about you, Benrey."

Everything, everything, all the languid days of this summer coalescing into this night. "It's cool. It's…" he thinks about Joan, and says, "it was just awkward timing." The evening is peaceful, and quiet. Crickets sing loudly outside the window. His smile doesn't reach his eyes, but it did earlier and it can again tomorrow so it's okay. "It's a nice night," he says, and Gordon looks up from the wood grain. His smile is small, like a seed, and Benrey wants to watch it bloom. "I wouldn't mind… more nights like this," he says. His smile widens. It feels like healing, it is certainly hope.

***

The world is warm and loud, the song of laughter filling the room. The sun has set and the sky is deep and endless and violet. In the lines of his posture and the grin on his face there isn't a trace of the skeleton he felt like before. He's still bone but _flesh and bone_ now. He feels human, in a way, for all that he never will be. Joshua runs past him, firing the lazer gun at a nearly feral Bubby, who gives chase; Coomer pauses his conversation to smile fondly; Tommy is right by his side, watching nervously as Josh climbs up on the couch and zaps Bubby again. Gordon scoops up his son from behind, spinning him around and dropping him back on his feet. Always at the center of Benrey's view, at the core of his life post Black Mesa.

"Tommy," he says, "I think you're screwed." He drags him over to the couch, narrowly avoiding Bubby as he launches over it to continue the chase. "I'm gonna show you how the number eleven player in the world does it," he says. Tommy laughs and stretches his arms out. "Let it rip!"

After his third loss in a row, he turns to Tommy suddenly. "You're a damn shark!" he shouts. Tommy's face is the image of innocence, and then Benrey puts it together. " _You_ are Ghoulatta. You're the asshole keeping me out of the top ten!"

Tommy shrugs, doesn't confirm or deny. "I- I'm sure- you'll beat me next time, Mr. Benrey, I know it!"

They play for the better part of an hour, until the party starts winding down, and despite making progress the best Benrey can do is come out even. Still, progress is progress. He gives in, finally, when Gordon beckons him out the sliding glass door into the backyard. Fairy lights all over, the yard glowing golden in the dog days of summer. Out here the party is muffled, and he laughs when Gordon just stands still. He's watching, watching Joshua fall asleep on Coomer as a movie begins, and Tommy distracts Bubby with sodas in the kitchen. He's just watching this little universe spin on from the outside, and Benrey doesn't even have to try to put on his smile. Gordon pulls him close, under his left arm, and he doesn't fight it. His head is on Gordon's shoulder, near his chest enough that he can hear, faintly, the thudding beat inside.

"It's nice," Gordon says, "having everyone together. Almost like a family."

And it is. For all the dysfunction, this is a family. This is Benrey's family. "Cringe," he says, and Gordon shoves him away as he laughs. A big hand rests on his shoulder, pale green eyes meet his. "I want a whole world like this," Benrey says.

Light, gravity, the explosive birth of a universe of their own. Gordon leans in and presses their lips together and he finally stops drifting away. As he kisses him, it feels like hanging up his jacket in the closet and leaving his shoes by the door. Like a big bed and warm summer nights. Gordon's hand tangles in his hair and pulls him closer, closer; gravity that he couldn't fight if he wanted to. Benrey realizes he doesn't want anything other than this. The hands on the clock come to rest and the planets line up; finally. The timing is perfect. He pulls away, just to look again at this frustrating man and the quiet chaos of the life they've found. A path they forged.

This whole summer Benrey has spun around Gordon, orbiting him and drawing closer. This whole summer has rushed by him, and now finally things have come to rest. Gordon is smiling as Benrey grabs his hands, both of them, and holds on tight. And if they spin out, they'll do it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Neighborhood #1(Tunnels) by Arcade Fire, "You change all the lead / Sleepin' in my head to gold."

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a self-titled album, Spin (1976), and is some very good Jazz. Also is a lyric from Counting Days by Wild Nothing, "You want to make me spin, you want to hold me in."


End file.
